“The reason you’re not really good at anything is because you never apply yourself.”
This was said to me quite a few years ago by a rather forgettable friend, after I was foolish enough to lament to her that no matter how hard I tried, I could never excel at anything. At the time I had been bothered by the fact that even when I loved to do something, I still couldn’t get it right.
My high school photography class is a good example of this. I loved it so much, I spent so much time on all my photographs, manipulating every movable piece on my camera to get what I thought would be the perfect exposure. I could always imagine the final result, I knew what I was going for every time I pressed the shutter. Yet, after hours in the darkroom, I could feel only disappointment. My photographs often came out blurry and dull. To this day I tend to avoid black and white photography because, as beautiful as it is, I can never get the result I want.
And unfortunately enough, this has been a pretty constant pattern in my life.
I have recently come to the realization that I’m a perfectionist. I used to think that a perfectionist made everything perfect. I couldn’t make anything perfect so, by definition, I couldn’t possibly be a perfectionist. Funny enough, it was my supervisor at my current job that was the first person I actually believed when he called me a perfectionist, and have since embraced my new identity. However, now I discover that my problem is I can’t accept any compliments. If anyone compliments me I feel awkward, then I get angry thinking that they must be lying to me and are holding something back. I panic because I think that maybe I’m good now, but just wait until I slip up and then you’ll see me for the fraud I really am!
Yeah, I know, I’m a little bit bonkers, but at least I’m aware of my own insanity.
Why am I telling you all this? Mostly because I was beating myself up for not staying dedicated to this blog. The whirlwind of negative thoughts returned, just because I’ve neglected a blog that barely half a dozen people actually read. That’s when I realized that something as trivial as an unread blog becomes an excuse to get discouraged. And that’s just dumb.
So, here is an update, quite a few months late perhaps, but it’s here. It may be a somewhat pointless and introspective post, but that’s okay. I have updated, and there is no longer a reason to beat myself up over not updating.
And in the vain attempt to keep things fluffy and light, I seriously love this British folk quartet, Mumford & Sons.The Anglophile in me bounces up and down every time their killer banjo skills start up on my playlist. And though I said this is my attempt to lighten the mood of this post, their lyrics are by no means light and fluffy. I normally don’t like pushing my musical tastes on others, but this is a band that deserves a bit of pushing.